Being Honest About Disappointment
There was a writing prompt I recently saw that said to write about disappointment.
These are the questions listed to get the brain jogging:
“What do you do when someone you love, follow or admire lets you down? How do you react when you’ve been hoping, praying and looking forward to something and it doesn’t come through? What is the most disappointing thing to happen in the world this week? Write about being let down and how you get back up again…”
It’s so easy to write about all the things and people that have let us down… but what if the main disappointment we have is ourselves? If we write about THAT it’s a given it’ll be viewed as self-loathing, depressing, and/or pitiful. We’ll be told to not be so hard on ourselves, bad times don’t last forever, and a bunch of other cliché ass shit that sounds good but doesn’t really help with the feeling of disappointment.
Disappointment is one of those feelings that sulks next to anger, anxiety, fear, and judgment. These are all things we’re constantly told not to have and immediately remove from our heart, soul and mind. We’re encouraged to drown ourselves in happiness, joy, excitement, optimism, hope, and a bunch of other feelings that aren’t necessarily better, just acceptable to others.
This is the first time in a while where it feels okay to be disappointed, regardless of it being with myself.
This prompt has given me permission to speak on it even though I already know I don’t need another person’s go ahead.
I have let myself down in so many ways because of the need to prioritize my daughter. I know what it feels like to not be wanted and I work hard everyday so that she doesn’t have to know that feeling. I can’t prevent everyone in the world from mistreating and rejecting her, but where I can, I will. I don’t feel like I’m doing that great of a job because it seems like too many of the people who are supposed to care the most, treat her like an afterthought. I take it personal and I’m disappointed.
I feel like I keep picking the wrong people to have in our lives.
I question myself on whether I will ever build the community SHE needs. As for me, I’m used to people leaving. Sure, it hurts every time, but I’ve accepted that’s life. I just never imagined she’d have to start learning how to deal with this at such a young age. Maybe I’ve been a bit delusional about protecting her from all of this. I keep having the sinking feeling that she’ll inherently adopt me and her father’s negative coping mechanisms, in addition to her own. Her first experience of this was when she was 4 years old when her father and I separated. It’s changed her in ways that I cannot fix, no matter how hard I try. I’ve taken the blows of being told whatever she becomes, as a result of her father leaving, is my fault. I’ve internalized this, knowing him leaving had nothing to do with me. Abandoning myself was never an option because I really am all I have, aside from my daughter. At times though, it feels like I’m losing myself in trying to save her.
Yes, there are people who have said they’ll be here but… they’ve also left.
So, I’m anxious about the people who’ve stayed because in the back of my mind, I’m waiting for them to leave too.
Years of knowing someone doesn’t mean what I’ve always thought it should. In my mind, it meant that you stay. You create safe spaces for others so that you too can have safe spaces. I’ve learned that isn’t exactly how it works out. I’m disappointed in myself for creating safe spaces for people who aren’t all that concerned about creating safe spaces for me AND my daughter.
I constantly remind myself to be grateful for those who are consistent, but I also worry that I rely on them too much and that will make them leave. I know I can’t do this alone, so it seems unfair. I’m told to ask for help when I need it but raising a kid isn’t something you compartmentalize in the When It’s Convenient pile. I don’t mean this in a negative way, and I’ll try to find a better word but… children are the biggest inconvenience you will ever have in life. It isn’t some malicious intent, like they sit up at night and try to figure out how to be thorns. They just have CONSTANT needs… no different than adults. THEY’RE HUMAN. However, by the time we reach adulthood, we’ve assimilated to shrinking ourselves just enough to not “burden” others with our needs. Some of us. Not all of us. Those of us that refuse to shrink and take up all the space necessary are often referred to as “too much” “extra” “emotional” and other things that are odd when you really think about it because EVERYONE HAS NEEDS.
I decided the kinder word for “inconvenience” is… trial. Raising children is a constant set of trials with no boilerplate instruction manual. Each child is different and requires specific care so the best instruction I can think of that is applicable to ALL is to remember children are STILL whole ass people. If we get angry, anxious, happy, etc. so do they. We have a responsibility to treat them well, regardless of how we were treated when we were a child. That doesn’t mean just treating them as we would want to be treated but treating them as they wish to be treated. That feeling of inconvenience, annoyance and disruption of life sometimes pops up because of all the things we had planned prior to deciding to bring them along for the ride. I am a girl interrupted and disappointed that I haven’t quite figured out how to be a great parent to this awesome kid AND be a great person to myself. We have different needs that are sometimes conflicts of interest. The juggling act aint working for me right now and it’s looking a lot like I DO have to choose one or the other. So…I choose to disappoint myself because disappointing her isn’t an option I’ll choose to live with…
She was a huge part of my world the minute I decided I was going through with the pregnancy. So this is the most disappointing thing that’s happening in MY world right now. I’ll get back up again because that’s what I do… I get up from shit. I don’t stay down for long but right now, this is where I am resting. Life is what sparks my resilience but I’m also doing this new thing where I process my feelings instead of stuffing them away in the Vault of Unwanted Shit. Suppression tends to turn disappointment into resentment, so I remind myself that I AM choosing my child. I choose her everyday, the same way anyone else would choose to stay. This disappointment is also a reminder of the decisions I’ve made up until this point and that I still have a responsibility to figure this shit out… not give up.
So ultimately, that’s how I get up from all this disappointment.
I figure it out like everyone else committed to being and doing better.
