Memento Mori: October 2021
October has arrived with some of my favorite things. Fall/Autumn, Halloween, pumpkin spice lattes (judge away), and becoming one month closer to my birth month. This month has also definitely been an exercise in unblocking my throat chakra.
The unblocking has involved not repeating myself to people invested in not actively listening to what I’m saying. I don’t like wasting words and that’s what happens when we repeat ourselves to people who don’t give a fuck about communicating effectively and comprehending in an effort to move forward amicably. I’m glad I have several friends close to me who have also recommitted to not wasting their words because they serve as reminders to stop repeatedly telling grown ass people who can hear well any other time, the same shit. This isn’t me saying people aren’t allowed to make mistakes around me either… this is me saying that there is a difference between someone making a mistake and someone clearly not giving a fuck how their behavior affects me.
Since I’m working to attract MORE of everything I want, need, and deserve it will require me letting go of these repeat offenders I’ve held onto out of fear of loss. There are real ass people out in the world who actually give a fuck about what’s important to me and they’re willing to value it in how they move. That’s where my focus has been in October and it’s showing.
The universe has shown up to show out for me because I made room for it to help.
Even though I had planned to take off November 18th, 19th, and the 22nd to celebrate 42 years of making it do what it do, I’ve also been repeating to myself that I was not going to be at the same place of employment by my birthday. I was determined to climb out of the midnight mire of depression that life had swallowed me up into and a change of employment scenery was going to help. Unbeknownst to some, I never stopped interviewing just because I started a job back in January. I was there barely a month, and it was clear that I was just passing through. I don’t know about anybody else but when a supervisor yells at me and strongarms me into not using Human Resources for what they’re for, it’s a huge red flag to GET OUT.
I was waking up every day a good hour or two before I had to get moving, staring at the ceiling on the brink of tears, not wanting to go to a job that was JUST paying my bills. The reason for this is… I’m far more introverted than extroverted. Anyone who’s associated with me from my high school years through my 20s will probably call this a lie. I understand why they’d think I was gassin’ because I’d presented myself as a social butterfly for decades. I’ve also been a drinker of alcohol since I was 3 years old. This sounds absolutely absurd but it’s a fact. I quickly learned how to drink and mask it well enough to function so no one would know. My coping mechanism for getting through life was drinking because it kills social anxiety… something I didn’t have a name for until I was about 33 years old.
When I found out I was pregnant at 29 years old, I was determined to have as healthy a pregnancy as possible. I figured it would be recklessly irresponsible to bring a life into this world only to mistreat it with my issues. I committed to finding healthier coping mechanisms than drinking and drugs. However, my social anxiety came back as if I were the little kid who figured out how to get rid of it decades ago. Imagine working somewhere that expect a gotdam performance every time you show up. Because of this, most days I don’t have an appetite to eat but if I don’t my blood sugar drops ridiculously low and passing out will be a norm. So, I end up performing in more ways than one.
This place of employment made it noticeably clear that being an introvert on the team I worked with wasn’t allowed. My job was even threatened behind my back because I “wasn’t social enough.” I had to go to work and pretend to be someone I wasn’t for the last 10 months, and it literally made me sick to my stomach… every day. It was maddening that at this big age, I gotta fake being who I am to keep food on the table. I promised myself that I wouldn’t leave just to go somewhere else that caused the same issue. I was determined to stick it out until the right opportunity presented itself and it did.
I was interviewed back in August. Even though they liked what I brought to the table, they decided to go with someone else. About a month later I was called back to see if I was still looking because they were still interested, and another position was available. I interviewed two more times, and they presented me an offer that was ideal. The offer included more money, a team that suited me perfectly, AND 100% REMOTE. I put in my two weeks’ notice and closed out October pleasantly pleased to be leaving a version of hell I no longer had to endure.
I also started going back to school this month. It’s been a lot of adjusting on my behalf to get into the groove of things but I’m excited to be learning in this type of setting again. I’ve been wanting to consume my time with more things that add to my growth versus things and people that take away. My life requires far more structure now and leaves truly little to no time for random occurrences of foolishness. I’m back to my life planning for the next ten years. There was a time when I was just letting life happen to me and then I was working to reclaim a bunch of time, energy and love I had lost or given away to people who didn’t deserve it. I'm legit doing what I want to do right now.
Regardless of anxiety and depression being things I live with for life, I’m in a better place at this moment. I’m reminding myself to enjoy these good things currently happening because even though they are fleeting like everything else, it adds to my happiness. Happiness has a way of sustaining us when fucked up shit is happening and that’s what I’m earnestly working on… building up my reservoirs of joy and happiness. Those things are essential when dark clouds and intrusive thoughts start threatening my mental stability.
I feel like I can think a little clearer every day.
I look forward to November because October brought me more smiles than cries. November adds to my happiness by bringing me another year of being in the skin I’m in, I’ll be fully vaccinated, the kiddo has a singing performance, my website is being created so I can house my writing somewhere outside of other people’s platforms, and I start the new job.
All I have left to say is, thank you universe.
Thank you.
