Memento Mori: September 2021
There are only two months left in the documenting of my Memento Mori and three months left in 2021. I ended August looking forward to more easy breathing, love, peace of mind and abundance of everything that’s good for me and less to none of what isn’t. Even though this is a monthly recap, it gives me an opportunity to be as honest with myself as possible as to where I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically in life. Facing facts is a thing I choose to do because without that kind of self-awareness, it becomes easy to lie to myself. If I’ll lie to myself, I’ll lie even easier to others. I’ve seen delusional worlds created too often of what people wish things to be instead of accepting what is and working to change what’s in our power to do so.
The more I speak up, the more I feel like I’m getting the voice back that I used to love. I’ve silenced myself for distinct reasons over the years. Sometimes to accomplish things quicker than if I kept speaking up every opportunity I got… other times because of the conflict that speaking up naturally creates. I noticed that I was attracting people I didn’t really want to be around because I’d stopped speaking up about everything that mattered to me.
I remember someone telling me years ago that even though we can have an opinion about everything and anything, it doesn’t mean we need to share it with everyone. While that’s a truth, it was stated to silence the things I was choosing to speak up about. There was a time that I’d unequivocally accepted that speaking up would create distance between myself and those I might have grown comfortable with being around. As I started experiencing loss on an unbearable level, I unconsciously started to lower my voice. Speaking up was only going to cause me to lose more and as I saw myself unraveling, I did the only logical thing. I shut up a little more.
This didn’t really help do anything but convince some people that I was okay with things that I don’t really fuck with, so I realized I needed to make some different changes on my end. I needed to get back to the part of me that could accept loss better. The reality about people is that they will come and go. Being surrounded with people who we’re not aligned with, will attract more unwanted things and situations than blessings. So, September has been revisiting the Art of Letting Go.
As I continue to let go, it makes room for where my attention needs to be invested.
Paying attention to the kiddo isn’t negotiable but the older she gets, there are things that I don’t need to be as attached to when it comes to her growth. She’s at an age where I can give my own growth more attention. This has allowed me to focus on going back to school to finish these 45 credits, sharpen my professional skills in other areas so I can transition into something else than what I’ve been doing for almost 30 years, and enhance the happiness in my personal life.
Life has always been a juggling act but raising a child without the help of their other parent has been a rollercoaster ride I wouldn’t wish for anyone. I’ve done my best in trying to make sure the kiddo has enough adult figures around to rely on in addition to myself. For a minute I was beating myself up about some of the people I had chosen because they weren’t invested in her or me enough to stick around. That’s 100% their choice they have a right to but it did fuck with me mentally because I’d made the mistake of assuming that my years of “friendship” with these people would solidify a mutual understanding. We don’t all grow at the same pace or in the same areas and I had to swallow the tough truth that those are just some of the people that won’t move forward to where we’re going.
I had to remind myself of the people who are choosing to stay. They deserve my time, attention, and work because they’re already giving me those things. Fixating on the Why’s of those who no longer have time, attention or space for me and the kiddo does nothing but add to what I feel I lack. There will be moments where I’m operating from a place of survival because of the reality of my life circumstances that I’m working to change. There are also moments where I can operate from a place of thriving. My focus remains on balance and harmony. I don’t want to balance or harmonize with dysfunction. Things/people that aren’t in harmony with me and the kiddo, threaten to disturb where I currently am and headed. I think it’s important to acknowledge this because there’s so much information out there that tries to convince us that we must choose one over the other… and that just isn’t how life works. We don’t acknowledge our duality enough and it traps us in this extreme space of either/or as if there’s no middle ground to living.
In October I look forward to acknowledging my duality more in how I live my life. I look forward to continuing to unblock this throat chakra so I can get back to fully speaking my mind. I look forward to attracting everything I want, need, and deserve.
Here’s to continuing to let go and making room for better.
