Why I Write…
“People say, I write for myself, and it sounds so awful and so narcissistic, but in a sense if you know how to read your own work — that is, with the necessary critical distance — it makes you a better writer and editor.” — Toni Morrison
George Orwell had the belief that all writers were vain, selfish, and lazy. He also felt that there was some underlying mystery in our motives to write. George probably should have just stuck to speaking for himself because his opinion were not the facts of life for all writers. I won’t lie and say that there isn’t a common misconception that writers are egotistical and arrogant… and it’s often expressed towards writers who write for themselves and not a particular audience. I think it’s one of many narrow-minded views people have about writers. I am one of those writers… I write for myself.
Honestly, some of my favorite writers wrote/write in the same way. They also wrote/write the things they would read if it was already written. I think a lot of people forget that writers are also readers. Personally, if I wouldn’t read it, I’m not writing it and that’s why most of what I write is for myself. The cherry on top is that I write shit that some people actually enjoy reading.
Writing is where I’ve experienced the most freedom in life. These are MY words, and I don’t need permission to share these things. Every time I write I am reminded of this. There was a period of time when I allowed someone else’s reaction to what I was writing influence how often I wrote anything that could be published. The absolutely insane thing about this is that ONE person such a great impact on my self-expression. I’m just now breaking out of that “prison” because I’m in a different place mentally. Regardless of what anyone else has perceived, family means a hell of a lot to me. However, I would rather never talk to any of my blood relatives again before I cling to people that provide no safe space for me… and who would stand in the way of me having the safe space to express myself through my writing.
Not having any safe space is what prompted me to start writing at a young age. I used words to comfort myself when there was no one around to lean into for safety. Writing has been one of the few things that has aided in keeping me alive so when I felt that I couldn’t freely write anymore, that’s when my suicidal ideation started to creep back into my head. I felt like without my words, there was very little left to keep me grounded in this sordid reality. Some people who know me might shake their head in disbelief that my daughter isn’t one of the things that keeps me grounded. She is but not to the point that I’d ever use her as a crutch for my shaky sanity. There’s a danger in doing this that resides in the land of unhealthy codependency. That isn’t anything I care to teach her to have towards other people either. If she happens to learn it, it won’t be due to me needing something I know isn’t her job to ever provide.
As I continue moving away from the person’s belief that my writing has to be palatable to them in order for me to share it publicly, I feel the safety of my words reassuring me that it’s okay to write freely again. The true test of whether or not I’m in a place to deal with that person’s scathing words regarding what I write is if they negatively comment on anything else I write. I thought I could prevent their visceral responses by simply not posting anything they could see but that gave away my power.
I’m not trying to attain the same things I was seeking during that time and I think that’s the big difference this time around. Out of all the fucks to give I’ve accepted this isn’t one to hand out. Where I should be giving a fuck is maintaining my sanity, peace of mind, and the one safe space I have control over. If other people, family included, cannot understand this, that’s their shit to manage, not mine.
So, this is my declarative statement that writers don’t have to write for anyone but themselves. Labels of “arrogance,” “conceit,” and being “ego driven” are none of our business, especially when we already know why we write. Every writer is not for everyone and it’s about time we remember this as we write (and read) what we like.
